Romans 15:13

Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit

Fill us again Lord. PLEASE fill us again with joy and peace. We trust in you. We hope in you but we are so broken...such in a state of wandering. Searching...hopeing...looking for the joy and peace we once had. This feeling of wandering is just never ending. I remember pacing outside of the funeral room doors...hearing Leslie's tears...waiting for her to be ready for us to come in. I just wandered from wall to wall...waiting...to pick her up...hold her...my sister...but there is NOTHING i can do...nothing.




We, my family, have been sooo blessed! God's blessings have poored out to us since the moment my parents became one. We have had a bond like no other. The strength we have from the love we have from each other has always gotten us through. And it has always been centered around God's Love...because of the home mom & dad had for us. I am so thankful for what we have as a family. God knew we would need it now. God knew...that we would have to have each other. He knew...but it is still so painful...but when I hear their voice...when Lori calls...when I hold Leslie...when I see mom's face...when Daddy and I hug...we KNOW.




We KNOW that God is here...we know...but it do
esn't change the sorrow we feel now. But my heart just breaks when I think of those people who don't believe...how do you make it without God? How could you? If you are reading this and don't know Jesus, I beg you to go to church, read your bible...pray...He is there...He is waiting to take your burden, heal your heart, kiss your wounds. HE IS THERE...take HIS hand. God is holding us. He is holding our hands....it doesn't stop the tears, but the peace I feel when I know He is near...calms my breaking heart. and then I KNOW....HE IS HERE.

I know you all are getting tired of hearing my sadness, but this is therepy for me. I am working on something else to write...about GIFTS. God's Gifts to us and how we use them. Now...I will tell you it will end up being about Brooklyn, but everything comes back to her. everything...

love will all you have and give with all you can!

I am fine

The pain is still here..still ever present...still causing tears to roll down my face..I was in the heaven scene last week in Crossroads and every time they had the people run to Jesus...I thought...howd did you get to Him...did you crawl..even though you were not crawling really fast yet...then I thought..NO...Jesus picked you up and "held" you. And so I weep again...

I am FINE...we are fine...but it has a new meaning...it just means... I am here...she is not...and we are trying to make our way on this earth until then..WE ARE FINE...we are HERE.

The shear shock hits me about daily...like when I thought about my surgery next week...and I knew Leslie would come and sit with me...I litery said to myself.."oh, she will bring Brooklyn and I could play with her." Then I cried again.

Losing someone in your life is something you CANNOT prepare for. It changes you...deeply. But one thing is for sure...GOD did not change...HE did not MOVE...HE did not leave us. HE IS HERE...HE IS HOLDING us together. HE IS HOLDING BROOKLYN. GOD just is EVERYTHING...He restores my soul when the pain gets to be too much...HE wipes my tears...HE holds me.

Please continue to lift my Sister, Jason, and William in prayer...they still need it and if you have room for the rest of our family...we might need one too.

Love with all you have...give all you can to those you love...

The day I got the bird...

Well...I thought I would tell you a story with a revelation of some sort to it for me. Kara and I were out at lunch the other day...taking care of a few things and I had to stop in traffic to cross the street. So...I got in the turning lane and then it happened.

HONK!! HONK!!! "Get out of the road!" I hear as they pass by. I ...was not having a good day...and I gave him a look and laid on my horn. I can't go anywhere you idoit!!! Then it happened...He gave me the bird. At first I thought...oh buddy...I want to jerk you out of the car and tell you what I think and show you I cannot move right now unless he'd like for me to cause a wreck...but oh no...I was in HIS WAY...I had slowed HIM DOWN...I had stopped him from getting where ever he was going...then I thought...I bet people have given God the bird before and didn't even realize what they were doing.

Now, hang on...don't freak out on me...just stay with me here...

Things happen in our lifes and we just totally freak...totally want to scream...cry...cuss...fuss...complain...all the above...so we are like giving God the bird...when just maybe...HE sees the road ahead...He is trying to do the right thing...sometimes when God stops things in your life or even throws a few curve balls...you maybe just need to stop and wait too.

I am talking about those daily struggles we have in our lives...and how we respond to them. I failed misreably today...I am having surgery monday (removing my gallbladder) and dr. office told me how much I owed and you would of thought the world had ended. I cried...I screamed...may of cussed out of shear panic...became so upset...I told nurse I wasn't having the surgery. Then my voice of reason came in...Eric...honey...everything is fine...you are having the surgery and there is nothign to worry about...and he was right. A few bumps in the rd...like the normal stresses in life...are not so big ...that we can't just stop and wait!


I love you Eric Smith...thanks for always being my voice of reason. Eric and I are very different in many ways...but God knows what HE is doing...like always...He gave me Eric as my voice of reason...my calm in the storm...my constant...I know God brought us together for that reason...He knew I would need him and I hope I do that for him too. .

One by one they came...

I was making my nightly climb up the hill like I have done the last several days to see my ANGEL by myside (Kara) and I had to ask her, "have I already been here today?" She said, "Yes baby." I couldn't remember.

The last few days have been such a blur and I think I was on auto pilot for the most part, but I guess that is what you do when the pain was too much to bear. I knew everyone must be praying for me to be strong enough to do what I needed to do for Leslie and Jason...and I was. I thank God for that, because now I am forever changed.

For God to grant me the grace to be able to carry things out that I so desperately didn't want to have to do...especially speak at her service...NEVER again can I tell HIM, I can't do that. If you KNOW ME....you know that I cannot speak infront of a crowd without "SNOT" crying like Bro. Bobby calls it. :) I am overwhelmed by what God can do. I knew HE could...but putting my FULL faith in him....HE didn't leave me in that most difficult time. Now I pray that Leslie & Jason continues to put their full FAITH in God to do unmeasureable amounts of blessings on to their life.

There is one thing I cannot get out of my mind. They had put our baby in the ground and Jason and Leslie had already told them that THEY wanted to be the one to put the dirt in the ground. One by one they came...

I was sitting by this point, just watching...first Jason. I was never so proud of him before. His daughter...and he stood up...took his tool and did what he had to do...FOR HER. Then they came...one by one...

Men...our family members...Jason's dad....my dad....Jason's friends...they came one by one and picked up a shovel and began to work and HELP Jason.

Now, BROOKLYN's Rainbow from this is....They came one by one to HELP!! What have you helped with lately....it maybe something you don't want to do...but what if you can help someone else out and pick up their load...help them carry it...because it is the right thing todo. I am not talking about just tragidies because LORD KNOWS SO MANY have come to our rescue and we are forever grateful...but...what about everyday life. What can we do to help somebody? What would it hurt to do the right thing and reach out to someone else. At work? At home? at church? for a stranger? For a friend? FOR AN ENEMY?

I challenge each of us to name a RAINBOW for BROOKLYN...what are you going to change about your life after knowing Brooklyn? Even when it is raining God can shine through and make a Rainbow.....What Rainbow did she create in your life?