Never, never, never

If you had told me a year ago that I would be making my niece's birthday cake for her Celebration of Life ...I would of told you NEVER would that happen to us...such tragedy. NEVER...NEVER

Well...NEVER happened...she came...she gave us unbelievealbe joy....our baby girl...she died...we lived...but living in this manner is so difficult. It is best explained by saying that we died too...but kept breathing. That is what it feels like....like part of you had died.

I can't tell you the complete depression i was in for a while and sometimes still slip in it. I can't tell you how many posts I wrote and never posted on here...and I just read them...and glad I didn't ....not sure i even remember typing such words. It was ugly...it was lonely...IT IS OVER.

I am on a mission...to craete a Rainbow in ANY storm!!!! God has provided us all with something...something special...something only YOU have...something ONLY you can use at the right moments to either help yourself up again or to help someone else. I am so utterly greatful for all that God has given us. We have needed every ounce of strength just to get to this day...and the days ahead...

Here is Brooklyn's birthday cake...that I vow to make for her every year..

Happy Birthday, Brooklyn! I hope you had the best birthday in heaven any little girl could have. We love you!

the bubble and the shadow

*I wrote this 2 months ago...when I was at my darkest point...I actually wrote several post and didn't actually POST...due to the deep darkness...to my raw pain...so here it is ...and I share...because if it could help just one person...then it is worth it..not like I have a ton of people of reading what i ramble about...but if just one person can see how God helped me...and they let HIM help them...then so be it...

Well...it's been 4 months....but not one day has went by that I have not felt the sharp knife. Uhh...I told mom she is never to call me before 7 in the morning again...I can't breath when it rings.

I have heard every thing that I have said to other people when they have lost a loved one. You know the ones..

-I am so sorry.

-She is with Jesus.

-She is in heaven.

-She is better off.

-She has no more pain.

-You have so much to be thankful for, julie..your boys...the rest of your family.

-be thankful for the time you had with her.

Sometimes...a simple hug would of just done better...I love you....would sound good.

Dont' get me wrong...all these things...I BELIEVE...all these things I KNOW!!! ALL these things I appreciate...But, my heart screamed out everytime I heard those words.....BUT YOU CAN'T TELL THAT TO MY HEART!!!

But, I KNOW that I know that I know...everything happens for a reason...blah blah blah...but it still sucks!!! My neice died!!! my flesh 'n blood....my sister's baby...our baby girl...died and she was 6 months old....

So...I quit talking about it...mostly cause...I didnt' think anyone wanted to hear it...if they did...I would get the question...How are you...not...what's wrong, Julie? What do you mean...what's wrong? But then, I have to remind myself...no one knows how I feel right now...no one knows...that I am crying hystirically inside.

Go talk to someone they say...and again...I could scream...WHY!?! what are they going to do for me? for my family? are they are going to erase the memory of the ride to the hospital that morning...the moment I saw her...the many times I stroked her blonde hair...the many times I held her little hand before the closed the casket....or...how I cry when I think of her sweet smile...and when Lori and I would fight over who would hold her first...when I would throw her to the sky and she would laugh....how I look at my sister and litterly it takes my breath...I can feel her pain and it is so painful...and yet I know...that is just a touch of what it really must be like for her....Lord, give her peace...

So...I went inside my "bubble" . I can see you...you can see me...but don't get to close...or I might burst. It was even worse...and still is sometimes...when I see people I know who have experienced a loss...I run for the hills...if they see my eyes...they will know....and I can feel their pain...just too much pain. "stay in your bubble, julie".

So...it grows darker and darker...I go deeper and deeper into my dark place...no smile...no feeling...no Julie.

I knew my darkness was getting bad...when I found every excuse not to do what I would call normal for me...church...helping others...taking part in events or groups...I didn't want to do anything but stay in the dark...stay home...be with my boys....be with eric. They brought me some joy and light.

And please know...God has been with me and my family this whole time...He is quietly calming me....showing me things...giving me things to think about and realize and hope for...He has not left me...I just got silent for a while....

You see...though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death...I will fear no evil...you are my comfort...my strentgh

---still searching for rainbows....