I know....

I had a really bad dream last night...one that woke me several times...not like I have really slept all night in almost....deep breath...2 months!! I am not going to tell you all about my dream...but just know it was aweful. One part that still stands out that I will share in my dream, everyone kept saying to me, " It is going to be fine."

IT IS GOING TO BE FINE!! FINE....I HATE THAT FREAKING WORD!!! FINE!! UHH...

IT IS NOT FINE!!! Nothing is fine about TODAY...nothing is the same...NOTHING is FINE!!!

I screamed at everyone that approached me in my dream...IT IS NOT FINE!!! Stop saying that to me!

I can only describe all this FINEST in a story of sorts that I wrote last week, but been too scared to share it...because of it's darkness...but I figured...why not...if it makes me feel better..then it's FINE.

It's like running...

I am running...
I hate to run!
I didn't train or prepare for this run,
but I am running
and I HATE RUNNING!!

I want to stop running,
but I know there is a goal somewhere I am suppose to reach
a finish line somewhere
a place to stop
a place to rest
somewhere...I know it is there ...the end...the resting place
but I keep running.
I hate to run.

my body is in so much pain from this run..
it hurts to breath at times and not sure I can even keep this pace up
but I am running
I hate to run.

my body is drenched in tears
from the emotional and physical pain
I carry with me each step..
but I keep running
I hate to run

There are people on the sides lines...watching
some see my pain and call it something else
some ignore it and don't understand why I am running
some saw me start running and now have turned their heads
some have told me to keep going...you can make it, next mile will be better
some have brought me water
some have wiped my browl
I am still running
I hate running

Running...I hate to run...

Well, that is all I have for now...please don't call the local nut house...I am not losing it....I am here...I am fine...it just freaking sucks sometimes. The reality of this sadness.

I know that our life is still blessed...I know that God loves us...I know that His Grace is all we need..and I know that God is providing peace, but I still think we have this journey we are on and it is ok...if we have to run right now...it is better than just laying down and ....well...you know...

It's just still so hard....but this picture will show you what I know...no matter what...I am not alone...my family is not alone...IF you feel alone...YOU ARE NOT!!

God's Grace

God's Grace...when I was saved when I was in 6th grade...I remember this book they gave me and all I remember was the word Grace. I even remember Grace? what does that mean, well...I think we are all learning everyday...but now more than ever I am learning God's Grace...leaning on God's Grace...hanging on to the hope that God's Grace will push us through.

There is this song that I had heard before "THE SADNESS" came into our lives and it There is Nothing Greater than Grace by Point of Grace...here is the chorus

There is no valley, there is no darkness
there is no sorrow greater than the grace of Jesus.
There is no moment, there is no distance,
there is no heartbreak He can't take you through.
So before you think that you're too lost to save,
Remember there is nothing greater than grace.

So let's think about the things in life that get us down:
-getting your heart broken by someone you once loved
-a friend betraying you
-a spouse leaving you
-falling out of love
-Mistakes
-MONEY
-feeling as if you have been mistreated
-feeling as if you don't belong
-Your health
-your job or lack of a job
-your anxieties
-your family or lack of
-anger so deep you don't even know where it originated from or why you are mad
-wanting something...you know you can't have
-and then it's "THE SADNESS" .....DEATH

I have used this word more recently than before...but so many of these things are CONSUMING!! It takes over your mind and then your heart. It...the things that we allow to consume us....are painful...are unimaginable at times....frustrating....and just plain WRONG....but they are what we allow them to be...CONSUMING.

STOP the madness people!!! Nothing is greater than God's Grace. There is nothing He can't get us through. There is NOTHING greater than Grace. The only thing that scares me more then anything is thinking of going without GOD'S GRACE!! How could you breath without it?

Now...I can write and believe in so many things...but I have had to fall to my knees in shear weakness from trying to withstand the pain and the burden my family carries, but God is faithful...HE carries me when I can't go no more...and gives me rest.

What do you need rest from? Anger toward someone? broken heart? loneliness? uncertainty? doubt? THE SADNESS? well...there is REST...there is a light in your darkness...it is God's Grace and all you have to do is take it.

I take hold of now...but I am not saying it is easy...it's exhausting sometimes...but again...HE NEVER FAILS...HE always provides...ALWAYS loves...is ALWAYS there and I am forever grateful

Brooklyn, I so badly wanted to see you last night in your pumpkin suit.. I so badly want to hold you and hold you up to the sky so you will laugh at me again. I know God is with you and I know that HE is with us and I promise you we are doing our best to keep looking for Rainbows for you.