I know....

I had a really bad dream last night...one that woke me several times...not like I have really slept all night in almost....deep breath...2 months!! I am not going to tell you all about my dream...but just know it was aweful. One part that still stands out that I will share in my dream, everyone kept saying to me, " It is going to be fine."

IT IS GOING TO BE FINE!! FINE....I HATE THAT FREAKING WORD!!! FINE!! UHH...

IT IS NOT FINE!!! Nothing is fine about TODAY...nothing is the same...NOTHING is FINE!!!

I screamed at everyone that approached me in my dream...IT IS NOT FINE!!! Stop saying that to me!

I can only describe all this FINEST in a story of sorts that I wrote last week, but been too scared to share it...because of it's darkness...but I figured...why not...if it makes me feel better..then it's FINE.

It's like running...

I am running...
I hate to run!
I didn't train or prepare for this run,
but I am running
and I HATE RUNNING!!

I want to stop running,
but I know there is a goal somewhere I am suppose to reach
a finish line somewhere
a place to stop
a place to rest
somewhere...I know it is there ...the end...the resting place
but I keep running.
I hate to run.

my body is in so much pain from this run..
it hurts to breath at times and not sure I can even keep this pace up
but I am running
I hate to run.

my body is drenched in tears
from the emotional and physical pain
I carry with me each step..
but I keep running
I hate to run

There are people on the sides lines...watching
some see my pain and call it something else
some ignore it and don't understand why I am running
some saw me start running and now have turned their heads
some have told me to keep going...you can make it, next mile will be better
some have brought me water
some have wiped my browl
I am still running
I hate running

Running...I hate to run...

Well, that is all I have for now...please don't call the local nut house...I am not losing it....I am here...I am fine...it just freaking sucks sometimes. The reality of this sadness.

I know that our life is still blessed...I know that God loves us...I know that His Grace is all we need..and I know that God is providing peace, but I still think we have this journey we are on and it is ok...if we have to run right now...it is better than just laying down and ....well...you know...

It's just still so hard....but this picture will show you what I know...no matter what...I am not alone...my family is not alone...IF you feel alone...YOU ARE NOT!!