I look to you

I am so mad....i am furious.....I scream so loudly in my heart sometimes it takes my breath....I have questions with no answers...I have pain with no ending...I have an ache so bad to help others in their own pain...that I don't deal with my own..."but that is a gift you gave me, right, Lord?" I am mad...but I look to you.

I am mad, Lord...that with this fresh crisp air this morning...that everyone loves...all I could think of was that morning...I hit my knees and begged you....pleaded with you not to take her...... but I looked to you....

I am mad, Lord....that when I think of her....I cry....there was not enough time....I didn't get to buy more pink stuff...I didn't get to brush her hair...braid it...take more pictures....be her aunt....I am sad, Lord...but I look to you...

I have questions Lord....why her? Why now? Why can't I fix their pain? Why can't I carry their load? Help them somehow? WHY? .....but, I look to you....

I am so sad Lord, everything is different....I feel lost sometimes...uncertain of what to say or do...but, I still keep looking to you....

In all my saddness....my anger....my unanswered questions....I look to you...

WHY...some may ask...but there is no other answer....I look to Him in all I do....in all I face....with every passing day of every storm I have ever endured....He has been my constant. Lord, you have been my refuge....my strength....so that now I can dig through the rubble and I can find the things you have provided for me to help ease my pain...I know it is there....I know YOU ARE THERE....

I know Brooklyn is so happy and that I could never wish her to come back to anything less than what she has learned to call her home...Sweet Heaven...in your arms...safe and loved....I could never....no matter how many tears I cry....I am happy for her Lord....because I looked to you Lord.

I know that even though these last year has been....well....it sucked! sorry...but it did...you give me signs of such grace and mercy....when I am with Gunner I think...does he miss her? Will he ever know? well...you showed me again....just a few weeks ago we were at Grandma's and Gunner was walking around and he had a picture frame he was holding...I said...what you got Gun-Gun...and what was it you ask? It was him and Brooklyn...together...Thank you for that moment, Lord...because I looked to you!

Of all the things I miss about being her aunt....you give me moments to fill my heart....brushing hair...poor Ella's hair is going to fall out of her head I think....I brush that child's hair everytime she comes over...she doesn't seem to mind....taking pictures....you have blessed me with so many babies in Brooklyn's Rainbow ...I celebrate life with them....only because I looked to you Lord.

My days are good and they are bad...but you always send those I need at those crucial moments...I am thankful for all your angels you have sent Lord....all because I looked to you!

My prayer tonight Lord...is for my family....my precious family that has been rocked to the core...please continue to build us up Lord. Please continue to remind us to Look to YOU...in all we do. Please be with my sister. Lord you know my struggle....trying to be Big Sister...I give her to you Lord...fully...Leslie, I give you to God. I can't fix it for you baby...I want to so bad....God can....give it to Him...Look to HIM. Please be with Jason as he continues to heal and show him the way. Amen.

My prayer for all those who read this...please take a moment and think about your own life...think about all that you face....I encourage you to look to God....He is the only one who can provide the things you need when you need them. I promise you....He will not let you down...for His love is greater than anything we could ever image...let His love in....let Him fill the wholes in your heart.....I know I would be a mess without him. LOOK TO HIM

Brooklyn, I hope you are blowing glitter in the wind baby!! I love you!! Your JuJu

The Day Everything Changed...

We all get so busy with life....day in...day out...run here...run there....get this done...get that done....check...check...just makes me tired thinking about it. We should take each day and make the most of it....you never know when it all could change....

There are so many significant days in my life that have shaped...changed who i am...

• first kiss
• first heart break....totally cried too much!!
• a blind date....man of my life...father of children... 
• high school graduation (night before with my Rose...what a night!)
• the day I met kara...I thought...I really want to be friends with her.
• college graduation....now what...10 years later...I am still saying now what?
• wedding.....beautiful day
• my sweet baby Mason is born....love him so much my heart hurts
• my grandfather's death...sometimes I think he took so much good with him...miss him
• my mom's heart surgery....longest day in my life not hearing her voice
• Patrick goes to IRAQ....Patrick returns....I wanted it to be so perfect for those guys...what a special homecoming
• My Sweet Sam Bo is born....my heart is so big and full of love for my 2 boys
• meeting Tanna and giving her a picture of mason with Sam's due date on the back of it so we could plan for her to keep them both one day...it was El Mexico and she had us at Hello...LOL
• New Job
• Another New Job
• Friends Coming and Going in and out of my life...for one reason or another
• the day Erin called me for the first time for pictures....
• My dad's retirement from Jostens
• my family extended by nieces and nephews
• Brooklyn died....uhh...that knocks the breath out of me just typing it
• living with death for many days....many many days....still today....uhhh
• ok...the day you decide to pick yourself up and make the best of it...the best of everything...THAT IS THE DAY

There is so much that can happen to us on a daily basis...some good...some bad...some life sustaining...some life changing....I don't know about you...but I am going live and learn more....love and laugh more...and ASK more from God when I need something....One thing is for sure....you will get more out of life....if you put more into it....If you make bad choices....you will get bad results....choose wisely.....seek wisdom in all that you do....and we all know there is only one place you can find wisdom and it is not found on this blog...face book...twitter....or TV's latest reality show....WE KNOW where to go...so is this the DAY you decide to seek wisdom?

Good days or Bad days...key is never to forget....there is a lesson in all that we "walk through"...key is to keep walking.

One day not listed above is 9/11...
Lord, I pray we never forget the tragedy of that day...the sacrifices made...the lives lost and the lives saved. I pray for each family member still mourning today and for the soldiers still fighting. I pray we find that spirit of Patriotism today and everyday as we found the love of the USA during that horrific time. I believe that will make America Stronger. God's blessings to you all. Amen

My name is Julie and I am a foodaholic...

Let's talk about something else.....food and my absolute love for it. I believe more than ever that food is an addiction. Food is a drug!!! We are suppose to eat 3 times a day....well...I like to eat...when

• I am happy
• I am sad
• I am stressed
• I am worried
• I am board
• I am having fun
• I am socializing
• I am....well...breathing

Just think about it...living in the south...we gather to eat for EVERYTHING.

• birthdays - let's go out to eat
• had a hard day at work - let's go eat
• get a new job - let's eat
• retirement - let's eat
• Sundays - let's eat
• every holiday - let's eat
• baby is born - let's eat
• someone passes - let's eat
• wedding - eat
• graduation - eat
• the boss is gone...let's eat...ok so that is just me...LOL

You get the picture....eat...eat...eat....

Well, I finally had enough and gained some control....here is me back before THE DIET with my beautiful friend....Kara...she told me there would come a day when I had enough and only I could decide that enough was enough...and it came...April 2012 when I joined Metabolic Research Center (MRC) in Murfreesboro.

So...25lbs down later...I am feeling great and LOVING MRC!! The ladies are great...program wonderful...progress great...but I am not done...I am shooting for 40lbs down.

Here I am with my handsome husband 25lbs down....feeling great.

Well, I ended my time at MRC and started my journey on my own to loose the last 15lbs and well...I have not done that great. I think it is the accountability piece that i am missing. I have put on about 3-5lbs..depending on the day..uh

So..I am going to start blogging this journey...of my last 15lbs. so here goes nothing..

What I promise to do or not do:

• I started this today...and oh my...I never thought 20 minutes could hurt so bad.
• no chips
• no chocolate
• 100 oz of water a day

I will start with that....wish me luck.
HEBREWS Chapter 10-13 is powerful for the journey of keeping the faith in all things...I am going to have to pull from these words to defeat this devil.....FOOD!!!

I wanted to share this blog too..www.mamalaughlin.com she has great advice. (Warning: she has NO FILTER)

There was a wreck....

it was early...
tires screech...
marks are made...
on the road...
so deep and so dark....
about 4am...
911 called..
phone rang....
we went running...
one car involved...
ambulance there...
police there...
on lookers everywhere....
just looking...no words...
at the hospital now...
there has been a fatality....
we cry...
we scream...
we talk...
people gather...
tons of people come...
there is paper work...
there are arrangements to be made..
more decisions to make...
questions to be answered....
more crying....
then the funeral....
then the graveyard...
then everyone leaves...
its time to go home...
time to move on to the next day...
people are gone....
they have forgotten or so it seems...
we still SEE..
we still FEEL....
we still KNOW...
those deep....
those dark...
marks are still there...
on the road...
we feel the impact of that wreck everyday..
we see the moments before the wreck....
we wonder what would of happened if we could go back..
we want to go back...
but we can't
there was a wreck..
everything is changed...
everything is different...
its a wreck..

Before we lost Brooklyn....life was like a beautiful ride on a gorgeous fall day....the wind in your hair....the sun on your face...and then it happened...the WRECK....

A wreck is the best way to describe death and how it truly feels. It happens...the wreck......everyone rushes to the scene...they do their job....then everyone leaves and then...it comes....THE AFTER.....you are still standing there alone....dumb founded by the sheer shock of what just happened and what are you to do now? I have been in an actual wreck before and I remember afterwords being somewhere and literally feeling the jolt of my accident. It is the same in death....the JOLT comes so often...the pain still comes...the tears still fall....but every one's done their job...the mess is cleaned up...but there was still a wreck..there are still deep dark marks on my heart....

Now, I know what you are thinking....Julie...God is with you...Brooklyn is with God...He is going to get you through....YES I KNOW...I could just scream it....YES... I KNOW THAT!!!! But, my heart...my sister's heart....but our family...you just can't clean up those deep, dark marks from our heart...like it never happened...like we are just suppose to get over it...I don't think so!!

But you know what? God knows that....HE understands our pain....HE promises to never leave us...that is why I love rainbows so much....there are storms.."wrecks" that happen that turns your life upside down....but if you keep looking...keep your head up to the sky's....a rainbow appears and then you KNOW...God is with us....through the storms...

My prayer is that whatever storm you are going through...whatever  "wreck" you are recoving from...you KNOW that God KNOWS....He is with you in the journey...just keep your head up...just keep looking for those RAINBOWS.....

Julie